WEDNESDAYS

All this chatter over Michael Jackson

All of this commentary about Michael Jackson is starting to get to me.  This poor man lived a life, a crazy ass, wonderful and terrible life.  Talk about the unbearable lightness of being.  In the end, if it turns out to be true that he overdosed, well then shame on every single person that couldn't just let him be.  And shame on him for not somehow being able to seek out the help he truly needed.

I wish I had this massive talent, this passion that he had for music.  But I also think that in pretty much everything else, Michael was just another soul hanging out on this planet looking for a connection, a balance, a way to spend his time here in a meaningful way.  Maybe to him, in his existence, he felt like he was just another monkey in his neverending circus/show of a life.  But to so many people he was a great man, a hero from the music world.

I do feel for his family and his children.  If he was using, well, families know these things and often can't get through to the person they love.  And if he wasn't, then their grief will at least not have the extra burden of guilt hanging over it. 

maybe somehow his death might translate into a lesson for everyone:  be a fan but not to the extent that overshadows a life.

New Music 2009

  The year is well under way and it is going to be a banner year for new music releases by some of my favorite artists.  AND there are new loves ready for discovery.  The whole music portion of my existence isn't something I talk about very often.  Well besides my complete and total love affair with U2 which I think everyone knows about.  No private shame there.  Music has been extremely important to me over the years and I spend an enormous amount of time listening to all sorts. 

  I can't say how much of my daily experience is colored by the music playing on the radio or that I hear just about everywhere I go.  There has been an ongoing soundtrack to my life over the years.  I guess it is that way for everyone.  It is all sort of serendipitous I suppose that the lyrics of the songs I hear and essentially listen to obssessively have some sort of connection to what I am going through or feeling.  Sometimes the songs get me thinking about things that I might not have thought about at all.

  When I say I listen obsessively I am not kidding around.  When I find a song that speaks to me I might listen to it several hundred times or more before I move on or add another song to the mix.  Just ask my kids.  They really don't even question it anymore.

  Back to the 09 treasures:  New U2:  all songs are awesome, particularly love Magnificent.

                                         New Green Day:  currently listening obsessively to 21st Century Breakdown

                                                                  and Lobotomy.

                                        Shiny Toy Guns:  WOWOWOWOWOWOW, love love love Rainy Monday and                                                             Le Disko.

                                           New Dave Matthews Band:  GrooGrux=es and big whiskey.

    and so many more I couldn't mention them all.  Plus we have the added bonus of being able to attend all of these concerts this year.  Shiny's were awesome.  No Doubt was phenomenal and I am beyond myself excited for Green Day and U2.  BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, start my heart racing just thinking of these days. 

  I never got far with my personal musical education so I am extremely grateful that all these guys are out there perfecting their art- just for me it seems.

Mother's Day 2009

  Well it was alright.  I was a little tired from the Shiny Toy Guns concert the night before but there isn't anything better than having little elves wake you up bearing gifts, flowers and a breakfast menu.  The girls had spent the day before applying liberal amounts of glitter to handmade cards.  Alyssa gave me a poetry book she made at school.  She is pretty shy about sharing her true feelings about people, even me, so she didn't want me to even read it.  Eventually she caved.  I will keep her thoughts private, but secretly I think she likes me.  Avery's, on the other hand, I will share.  He found this poem on the net and it didn't name an author so whoever wrote it, I thank you.  The card should have come with a few tissues.

For all that you have given me,

I can return but love.  For you

Bound up the wounds I did not see

And you gave me hopes and passions new.

I can return but love for you,

whose unmoved faith my heart did move.

And give me hopes and passions new,

And loved me till I turned to love.

Whose unmoved faith did my heart move?

The mother of my heart, not blood.

Who loved me till I turned to love.

And I became the soul I would.

The mother of my heart, not blood,

Bound up the wounds I did not see.

And I became the soul I would

for all that you have given me.

  Of course in the middle of all this love fest I have to remember my own mom who was, for better or worse, buried on Mother's Day weekend in 2005.  We all miss her more than words can say.  So to all my friends who are moms, a belated Happy Mother's Day.

Pride & Prejudice

  This is one of my favorite addictions...Jane Austen in any and all forms.  Love the book, so fun to reread and try to understand the language of the day.  Love the BBC version with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy.   Completely adore Matthew McFayden and Keira Knightly in the movie made about 4 years ago.  I have watched and rewatched and discussed various passages so often that my children KNOW the story by heart.  Even Avery, who hasn't actually sat through an entire viewing, knows the deal.  Abby truly appreciates the story.  Alyssa, well she tolerates me addiction and it is just a part of the fabric of her consciousness.

  The story is so perfect and has enough twists and turns to keep it all interesting.  Although I am truly only interested in the relationship between Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy.  Well, aren't we all.  They are both such passionate characters.  I wish I could be so eloquently outspoken as Miss Elizabeth.  She takes sarcasm to a level not often seen.  I am sure that too often my sarcastic remarks become crass and sound harsh, not funny at all.

  And there is the undeniable fact the Mr. Darcy loves her so. 

Pride & Prejudice

 

Write what you know

    I have heard this expression many times, can't remember the author or where I heard it.  But lately I can't stop thinking it.  I have always wanted to be a writer and I have had some small successes in that area.  I have certainly put in the hours throwing up words on paper and small screens.  The success part is different in my brain.  I have a really difficult time being anyone different than who I am, can't hardly hide a feeling or a thought.  This relates to my writing because I often feel that I don't want to (truly cannot) write with any sort of truth about stuff I don't know in my heart or haven't experienced.  Yet I crave writing fiction.  I want to make stuff up and have it be wonderful and magical and have the ability to transport the reader far away from life.

    I worked for awhile writing articles about the auto industry where I was able to interview people.  That worked well for me because it all had a basis in reality but I still wanted to wrench something from myself.  Still want to.  So I took a break and eventually came around to writing this blog (thank you Lisa) and the practice has been twofold: writing what I know and writing about my life.  And I still resist it, thinking "what do I have to say."  It makes me think of that line in Cat in the Hat, "Yes the fish is talking, but is he saying anything?"  And hopefully this will springboard me into the wrenching of fiction from my guts.  I know it sounds so dramatic but this time around I am only fighting for a mental survival. 

  Now I am just rambling.

Anniversary

  I can't believe four whole years have passed by since my mom died.  2005 was a dark year.  Although I can't say I had a ton of time to sit and grieve her passing all at once.  It has taken these years to fit in my thoughts and tears and remembering of her.  I know she wasn't a happy happy, life's a party kind of girl and so I have been trying to overwrite those impressions I have of her with memories that were good.  I want to remember her for the good things she did for her friends and her family; for how much she loved her own mother; her great taste in many things; how much she cared for my children who didn't judge her the way I did; how she loved a great mystery; how she refused to be bamboozled out of even .50 cents if she believed she was right; how she stood by so many lost causes without falter because she believed it was the only thing to do.

  At some point during her last year, in the middle of the night, the radio in Abby and Alyssa's room started blaring a song by Train.  Every time I hear it I think of her and I try not to miss her because I know she believed in angels.  I hope she made it that far.

Calling All Angels

"I won't give up if you don't give up."

When I Look To The Sky

My Daddy Turns 86

  Well, he did last week.  I spent every morning with him last week trying to get his computer fixed up.  The entire machine remains a mystery to him and he calls regularly to get a walk through on basic functions.  But he needed a new keyboard and mouse and the one thing he really really wanted for his birthday was internet access in his room so he could try the email once again.  So that took me about 5 trips to Best Buy and about 5 calls to tech support to get the whole thing set up.   Modems out of date, resetting up addresses and passwords.  Talk about lions and tigers and bears.

  I know my dad is clinging to his past and the way things were and I do my best to accomodate him.  It is tough trying to judge what he is capable of and what is beyond him but harmless in its own way.  The last year has been a year of stresses and controlled chaos.  I can take it all one day at a time but when I try to take a look at the bigger picture I don't get any clarity.  Through it all I have had my own share of disappointments and little disillusionments, making it abundantly clear that I am quite on my own in many respects.

  I was listening to the radio the other day and I heard one of my favorite songs, one by U2, of course.  It reminded me of my dad and of myself.  

"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"

Tough, you think you got the stuff

You're telling me and everyone

You're hard enough.

You don't have to put up a fight.

You don't have to always be right.

Let me take some of the punches

for you tonight.

Listen to me now.

I need to let you know.

You don't have to go it alone.

And it's you when I look in the mirror.

And it's you when I don't pick up the phone.

Sometimes you can't make it on your own.

( skipping the next verse)

Hey now,

Still gotta let you know

A house doesn't make a home.

Don't leave me here alone.

  Needless to say I shed a few tears over that song and all the sentiments it holds.  Let's see if I can link to a video of it as well.  So happy birthday papa.  I am glad you made it this far.

Sometimes U Can't Make It On Your Own

"Infinity's A Great Place To Start"

Just wanted to give a little shout out to some great lyrics by Bono and the boys.

I also like "time is irrelevant, it's not linear".

oh and this one is also great:  "Every night, I have the same dream.  I'm hatching subplots, scheming some scheme.  Oh yeah."

Well, it sounds better when they sing it.  SO if you don't have access to a copy of No LIne on the Horizon...might I suggest some professional help?

U2 No Line On The Horizon

  I have been in love with this band for many years.  I remember going out on a freezing New Year's Day in Fresno, of all places, screaming about how nothing changes on New Year's Day; dancing until the tiny hours of the morning and being all involved with Party Girl.  I knew a Crash.  I will never ever forget the first U2 concert I went to in Oakland which was the closest venue to where I lived in Sacramento.  The tour was for The Joshua Tree and the opening song was Where The Streets Have No Name.  The music that night left an impression on me unlike anything I had ever experienced before.  I have many vivid memories of that day and night.  Talk about a spiritual experience.  Joshua Tree really spoke to me and in many ways gave me a reason to keep going. 

  Music in general has always been a constant in my life even though I only learned to play a little piano just recently.  Maybe if I learned to play it wouldn't be so much the savior for me that it is.  I don't care for noise so much and I can't tolerate the sound of a fan but I am always better when I have the radio on or even a music channel on tv.

  I have been lucky enough to see U2 in concert many more times past that one fateful night in Oakland.  I saw them in New Zealand with BB King.  I went twice to the Zooropa Tour with the Fly glasses and all the Bullet the Blue Sky beauty.  I took Avery to the last Vertigo tour.  That was special for me because it was his first concert and he plays guitar.  They were awesome every time.  And now we have No lIne on the Horizon and it is a great record.  The band is still the next big thing to me.  I can't wait for the tour to come around here.  It is a stadium tour agains so that means lots of flash and bigger, outdoor venues.

  I could gush for a couple of more days but I will leave you with a photo of Avery at the concert.  He got lucky that night as they played his favorite song, Elevation which is pretty amazing since they have recorded around 500 songs to date. 

Hey, where is that hat?  I want it.

Alyssa turns nine

   this Thursday.  My little munchkin isn't so little anymore and she is still such a little girl to me.  I don't want her to grow up too fast despite all our drama of the last year (08) and my wanting her to get past some of her child like behaviors.

  Alyssa is extremely intelligent, very funny with a little bit of a twisted sense of humor, gentle with animals and organized.  The world doesn't make a ton of sense her but she keeps asking questions about how it works and why life is the way it is.  It can be a bit unnerving to have such big questions come out of a tiny girl.  Look out if you don't carry the expected answers within you because she is also a force of nature when it is all being thrown down. 

  She makes me laugh and she makes me cry and I love her more than she can accept sometimes.  And I recognize that this little girl knows many many wise things about life and people and relationships that maybe I don't yet; things that she can't hope to express in words just yet.  Alyssa gets it.  Her favorite thing to say to me is, "You aren't listening."  cosmic joke that

  She and I are going to spend her birthday at Disneyland.  She requested a day with just the two of us over a party with kids and family.  She also wanted a kitten but we all decided that maybe another kitty  wouldn't be the best thing for Jojo and jack jack right now.  And of course her hamster passed away last Wednesday.  She was so brave about it while we were burying him.  She held him and petted him, wrapped him in a piece of blankie from her piano cover, gave him some special flowers and placed him in the ground.  Afterwards she broke down and sobbed.  Alyssa loved that little guy so much everyday that he was with us and Greystripe was here for two years.  She was the only one he didn't bite.  She was the only one who wasn't afraid of him. 

  Happy Birthday to my little angel who got a pair of tiny horns with her wings.